I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis recently.
I post quite regularly when things aren’t going so well for me as a way of getting my thoughts down onto paper, helping to clear my head and thinking things through. When I’m feeling good, though, I don’t really post -because I don’t think I’ve got much to say.
This led to me completely tearing myself apart from the inside. I don’t have a personality, I have nothing to say to make an impact on the world, who even am I? Why is there nothing to me that I have or want to talk about?
This got me quite down for quite a while. That’s partly because of my mental health. BPD often has me feeling that kind of way, but it hasn’t happened this much in a while.
And then I realised the only reason I don’t have much to say is because I’ve just been too busy living my life. I’ve been spending time with friends, doing things I enjoy, and trying not to spend a lot of time online. Being offline has been really good for my mental health and it’s given me time to get out of my own head and just have fun.
I’m still struggling a little bit with the identity crisis. The feelings that I don’t have much of a personality are still lingering, which isn’t a lot of fun. But the positive changes I’ve been making in my life have really been helping and I’ve been getting back into realising who I am, even if it’s a slow process.
So that’s a little life update from me. As for the rest of 2019 so far, it’s been good! The year didn’t start off well for me but it’s getting better. I’ve done things I love including going to see some Shakespeare at the theatre, spending time in Camden, going to the beach when the weather has been nice and getting back into playing my instruments.
I’m sure I’ll find my identity again soon. But for now, I’m enjoying the rediscovery process.
Photo credit: Billie Rae Photography